How to Declutter with a Reluctant Partner
Was my husband a minimalist like me when we met? I don’t think Jonathan was familiar with minimalism specifically, but he was living a simple and intentional life.
When we went on our first date in 2018, I was in my mid-30s. I knew that my desire for order and cleanliness wasn’t a flexible preference, but a core value that needed to be matched in a partner. For the first year or so of our relationship, Jonathan greeted me with bags for donation whenever I came over to his home—my love language! I never pushed him to declutter; he was simply inspired by the way I lived with less. Being hyper-compatible and sharing the same set of core values makes our life together very easy.
If you desire a clean and uncluttered home, find a partner who shares these values.
If you’re already in a relationship and your partner doesn’t share your values around decluttering, this Minima Journal is for you. Here is what I’ve learned from over 15 years helping couples declutter their homes.
Me and Jonathan after our minimalist elopement in 2o2o
Accept one another’s preferences
Repeat after me: no one is “right” or “wrong” for wanting things a certain way.
We all have our own preferences; some are flexible, while others are more rigid. Trying to force someone else to declutter is a futile endeavor. If you are ready to declutter but your partner is not, ask if they are willing to support you in your process.
In addition to our preferences, we often bring invisible baggage to the process that prevents us from letting go of clutter when doing so would improve our quality of life. If your baggage is getting in the way, it may help to work with a qualified therapist, life coach, or counselor. Working with a life coach did wonders for me, both personally and professionally.
I also recommend The Minimalists’s podcast to new clients to get into a “letting go” headspace. It has a therapeutic effect—listening to it with your partner may spark some enlightening conversations around decluttering.
Take responsibility for what’s yours
When a new client contacts Minima, we often hear a story that either they or their partner are “the messy one” in the relationship.
When we meet for the initial consultation, the reality hits: both partners have work to do.
I worked with the sweetest clients in the Fan for many years, let’s call them Dan and Janet. They didn’t have an overwhelming amount of clutter, but they were planning to downsize to a retirement community soon and knew they needed to simplify.
Each time we started a session, Janet (who was more organized than Dan) would say, “We can go through my things, but I don’t think I’ll have a lot to declutter.” After a few sessions, I would nod and smile, “No problem Janet, let’s see what happens.” At the end of each day together, her donations filled my car.
When you live with a partner, there are some things that are shared and some things that are yours alone. Before placing clutter blame, make sure you’ve done the work on your own items.
Lead by example
I mentioned that early in our relationship, my husband greeted me with bags for donation whenever I came over to his home. I never nagged him or even suggested he declutter. He was simply inspired by the way I lived with less.
The same clients I mentioned before, Dan and Janet, hired Minima to declutter and organize their clothing. When the day came, Dan decided he didn’t need our help, so we focused on Janet’s closet. We emptied everything out and sorted all of her clothing on the bed and all of her shoes and handbags on the floor. When we were done, her closet looked like a boutique shop with all of her favorite things. Her donations and consignment items once again filled my car.
Later that week I got an email from Janet: “Dan saw my closet and now he’s jealous. He’d like to schedule time to work with you soon.”
This doesn’t always happen, but it happens often enough. Once your partner sees the results of your work, they may become motivated.
Consider expert help
If decluttering is a sensitive topic in your relationship, it may help to bring in a neutral party like Minima. We can look at the space objectively and offer solutions that value input from both partners.
After completing a whole-home decluttering process with the Minima team, one client playfully shared, “This wasn’t cheap, but it was a lot cheaper than a divorce!”
If you’d like to set up a complimentary phone call to see how we can help, you can fill out our contact form here.
Related reading:
“Making Space for My Husband’s Stuff: Part 2” (Shared home office)